Anyone who knows me well knows that despite being a relatively smart person, I have managed some spectacularly not-so-smart stuff in my years on this planet. Life feels very serious and gloomy right now so I thought why not share the most memorable ones to cheer everyone up?
Dashing to dance
My stupidity and head in the clouds kind of moments started young as this one happened at the mere age of 8. My Mum had been dropping me off for dancing, in the same spot, for about 5 years at this point. One Saturday we were running very late (another great talent of mine), so on the drive there I was struggling into my dance gear in between bites of sandwich. When we arrived, Mum screeched the car to a halt in our usual spot. I leapt out and started sprinting up the road, coat flailing open, bags hanging off each shoulder, and my long legs splayed out like a giraffe’s. I didn’t get far before I was stopped by the all too familiar sound of my Mum yelling “Emily!!!”, “where are you going?!!!”. I looked back to see my Mum stood pointing at my dance school… I was running in the complete opposite direction.
I got a spray tan
The only time I was ever early
As I have mentioned, one of my many talents used to be running late. Although I must point out that I wouldn’t arrive late, I’d just set off late… I had a very special talent of setting off late, but still arriving on time. I’d power walk to work every single day, taking my coat off even in the winter because I was sweating so much. It must have been an extraordinary sight to behold every morning.
There was one morning however, when for reasons I can no longer recall, I set off for work early! I specifically remember this because I never set off early and it was such a beautiful walk. I noticed the birds chirping, the shops opening up, people saying hello to me; I also wasn’t sweating and my Fitbit didn’t mistake my morning walk for a morning run. I was almost at work (with an impressive 20 minutes to spare) when I felt a massive splat on my head. A bird had just landed the most humongous poo on my head, and it was dripping down my face. I didn’t have a tissue or a mirror (of course), but more so I didn’t have the will to walk all the way back home and be extremely late to work the one time I’d set off early. I used my cardigan and my phone camera to wipe off as much as I could until I got to work. I then spent about half an hour in the toilets washing bird shit out of my hair so by the time I got to my desk, I was late anyway.
I genuinely think all wasps have a vengeance against me – they hate me. I have been stung countless times throughout my life so naturally I hate them too and have developed quite the fear of them. I’m the kind of person who forgets themselves when a wasp is around, hysterically screaming and running in the opposite direction, arms flailing around above my head (though I’m yet to find out how I cope now I’m disabled). I feel like everyone knows someone who does this.
During the summer a few years ago, I had some time between appointments so found a lovely shaded table under the trees to relax under (if you’re not familiar with York, it’s always busy with tourists so there were plenty people around). I was in my own little world, reading my book when something fell into my hair, tickling my neck… I grabbed it thinking it was a leaf or something, but a huge wasp suddenly started stinging my hand. I screamed and launched it across the table, getting it as far away from me as humanly possible. I couldn’t see it anymore but my hand was throbbing and people were staring…. Just as I started to calm down and my heart rate returned to some form of normal again, I felt a sudden sharp sting on my bum. I instinctively leapt up and yelped much louder than is acceptable in public, causing a lot more people to stare this time. When I looked down the same wasp (now missing a wing) had crawled all the way along the bench for it’s revenge! I decided I’d embarrassed myself enough that day so quickly left. It was incredibly sore and one side of my bum swelled up so much I couldn’t even sit properly for a good few days after.
A week later I still hadn’t calmed down after my incident so I was on high alert for any wasps about, screaming louder and running faster when they came too close. I was enjoying lunch in a park with my pal, when a wasp came out of nowhere, hovering right around my sandwich. I squealed, and ran back and forth a few times, but this wasp was relentless. My friend continued enjoying his sandwich whilst he watched me run around like a headless chicken until the wasp finally gave up (at least someone was amused). I sat back down and just as I was about to take another bite of my sandwich, I saw the wasp nestled in my sandwich?! It had flown into my sandwich! Without thought, I leapt up and yelped much louder than is socially acceptable (again), this time launching the wasp, and my sandwich, far away. Although I’m grateful I wasn’t stung in my mouth, I’m still very bitter about the sandwich!
An ice bath?!
A couple of years ago in the height of summer, I got thrush (yes, this is completely normal and happens to most people). In case you haven’t had it, things feel very uncomfortable down there and there was a burning sensation, so the hot weather wasn’t helping. I did what many of us do in a crisis and called my Mum – she told me to get “an ice bath” as it would be “soothing and relaxing”. Now I want to point out that I did stop to question her on this, I know it was warm out, but an ice bath seemed a tad extreme? I asked if she was sure, but she was very certain that of course she was sure?! Bearing in mind that she’s a retired health professional, I took her word for it and went to run a cold bath. I loaded all the ice cubes I could find into the tub and I even got my housemate to help.
As desperate as I was for some relief, nothing could have prepared me for the torturous pain I suffered in that bath. It’s a level of cold I’d never experienced before, and refuse to experience again. I couldn’t even keep my feet in it long enough to climb in so I had to wedge my feet onto either side of the bath, hovering over the water like a crab, then lower myself in (well… the parts that mattered).
A few days later I called Mum back to tell her the good news, that “I got an ice bath”. She was very puzzled and proceeded to ask, “why, who told you to do that?!”… I was also confused, telling her that “you told me to do it the other day?!”. I knew she had menopause brain, but she didn’t usually forget whole conversations? There was a bit of back and forth until the penny dropped and she scream-laughed down the phone… “a NICE bath”, “I told you to have a NICE bath, not an ICE bath!”. My Mum has never laughed as much as she did at this. – she almost wet herself laughing! I still cannot believe I actually did this.
A stop too far
It was a cold, dark, wintery night and I was absolutely exhausted after work so I thought I’d treat myself to the bus home. It was warm and cosy, and such a good call because it started raining shortly after I’d got on. I popped my earphones in and settled down, switching off after a stressful day. Turns out I’d switched off a little too much because when I came round, I had no idea where the bus was and I’d missed my stop! My walk home ended up being just as long as if I’d walked from work.
I think the lift is broken
I work for a large corporate company and before I got really sick, I spent most days working in the office so I could see my friends and get out of the house. Each floor is a huge open space with a kitchenette and several glass lifts in the middle. Our team all sits together up on the 5th floor, but one particular day I had a 121 so I was going to head up to the 6th floor for some privacy.
I got in the lift, but when I pressed the button, it didn’t move… the doors just shut and opened again. I thought maybe I didn’t press the button right so I tried again, making sure I’d definitely pressed it this time. No luck. The lift didn’t move, just the doors. After 3 more failed attempts my patience was wearing thin and I assumed I’d somehow broken the lift because you know, that’s the kind of thing I would do.
I moved into the next lift along and pressed the button, but the same thing happened… the lift didn’t move! The doors just shut and opened again?! I went to press it one more time, watching carefully that the button lit up, and it did… but it was floor 5. I had been pressing to go to the 5th floor, where I already was, the whole time!! I eventually joined the meeting, 10 minutes late and full of shame. If anyone was watching me faffing around in those lifts they’d have had a field day.
So there you go, that was a selection of some of my most noteworthy dumb moments (so far). I’m sure I’ve left out some cracking ones because as you may have realised, things like this happen to me regularly. I didn’t stop laughing whilst writing this post so I can only hope you had a similar experience whilst reading it!
What are some of your not-so-smart moments? Please share in the comments or tag me on social media.
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